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The Importance of Hand Holding

25 Jan

Peter and I had a date this weekend.  We sat together in a quiet Vietnamese restaurant drinking hot Jasmine tea with our spring rolls and huge bowls of Pho soup while we held hands across the table. Phones off.  Eye contact strong. Fingers tangled together.

A date is a rare occurrence for us.  It’s been so long I can’t even remember our last one.  Well besides for our five year anniversary, when while my sister, Alysa, and my friend, Angie were visiting for Thanksgiving Peter and I went to Denton’s Golden Triangle Mall together (if you can even call it a mall or a date for that matter).  We walked around talking – and something you don’t get to do when you’re pushing a stroller – holding hands. Continue reading

My Fears Got Mean Fingers

20 Oct

I’m feeling it.  That oh my God desperation.  What will I do and how will I manage it?  This pregnancy has brought out some old memories from the back of my mind – they’ve stirred up my fears and given them fingers and these mean fingers have pulled open a closet door that leads to a box full of lonely emotions that I packed away about 12 months ago. While Peter and I intended on trying for a second baby this year, we also thought it would take us a lot longer to get pregnant.  I definitely didn’t think it would happen on the first try.  But what do I know? Sometimes you just get lucky.  I should have known, I got pregnant way too easily with Zoe, but I thought it was a fluke, especially since we weren’t officially trying.  Long story, but you can read bits of it here,  here and here. Continue reading

My Cup Runneth Over

7 Apr

Tonight, I am grateful.  I feel as though I’ve turned a large corner and I’m seeing the horizon with a fresh set of eyes.  The last year of my life has been entirely about my brand new gift of a daughter – my very body has supplied her needs, from breast-feeding to comforting arms to changing and holding and bathing.  She has required me to live selflessly.  And, despite myself, I’ve gladly given every fiber of my love to her.

Along with new motherhood, my husband has also needed my complete support as he endeavors to finish his undergrad. The countless hours of class and study has kept him from home, from me, and when he’s not in class, he’s working.  It takes a lot of team work and dedication to have a brand new baby and a husband in school full-time.  Have I been left out to dry?  Hardly.  Real honest to goodness love hands you the grace to give.  I know that by giving to my daughter and to my husband I am ultimately giving to all of us … to our little family unit.  Of course, there are moments where it’s been hard physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Ask any mother about the perils of lack of sleep and the loneliness of days at home and the stories will be deep and wide.  But is it without reward?  No.  The reward is the smile of your child as she look into your face. The reward is the happiness your husband experiences through his scholastic exploration.  These tiny things add up.  And they have been enough to hold me. Continue reading

Pleading to Land

11 Jan

We dreamed large mouth-watering dreams tonight.

He and I,

Under the muse of the Gillian Welch and candlelight.

With baby squeals and dog begs,

We thought aloud.

There’s been so much abasing

Could we even remember how to abound?

A full body tattoo of abasement,

Surely we’re almost done?

Probably not. Hopefully so.

God is a pilot

circling the runway

While you stare down

at the city of your dreams

pleading to land.

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