Dear Mommy Blogger: Your Perfection Makes Me Distrust You

5 Mar

perfection

Dear Mommy Blogger,

You are amazing!

Your body is svelte and chiseled. You are a greek goddess and you look dazzling in that dress you’re wearing.

You made that dress with your own hands, or rather ‘hand’ because your left hand was tied behind your back – just for fun.

The dress is made out of nothing but scraps of plastic Walmart bags you collected from the ocean while rescuing sea turtles caught in garbage.

(How do you manage everything?)

You wear all natural make-up. In fact, the lipstick you’re wearing right now is from the beets that you grew on your own farm. You hand-pressed the beets for their juice and mixed the crimson colored liquid with organic coconut oil. You shaped the all-natural ingredients into a tube of lipstick using molds which you hammered out yourself one evening after you cooked up a GAPS meal for the George Clooney. (He likes to visit sometimes.)

You ‘unschool’ your well-behaved and genius children who have already read all the classics. And gee wiz, if sweet Junip and feisty Cosmo are only four and six years old. Your children are also models for Calvin Klein.

(For real?)

Every day you have exuberant and young-love like sex with your PhD rock-star husband (literally he’s a rock-star and an MIT scientist) on your upcycled kitchen table (because your children are sleeping peacefully in your family bed). You never ever have to worry about faking it. EVER. (You’re careful not to knock over the paleo apple-crunch cooling down, fresh out of the stone oven, which you built by hand during labor with your second child.)

(I saw the pictures! I still couldn’t believe it! Of your labor, silly, not the other stuff.)

Your ec0-friendly ranch style home sits on 25 acres of organic land, it’s perched next to a lake your family has owned for three centuries. You have a chapel directly across from the lake made out of glass and twine. You meditate there every morning at 5am. Sometimes, after your most divine meditations, you write about your revelations of true love – when you do this doves cry.

You maintain a daily 5-mile barefoot run with darling Junip snuggled in your hand-woven wrap, happily breastfeeding on demand as you pound the pavement.

parent-without-negative-emotions

You’ve already written three eBooks and you’re working on a fourth right now. The title is, “How to Parent Without Feeling Any Negative Emotions … Ever, Ever, Ever.” You’re currently taking pre-orders for this book.

You started an orphanage. It’s named after you. Mother Teresa came back from the dead to be there for its grand opening.

Your husband sometimes logs onto your blog so he can write 850 words on what a fantastic woman you are. You are always totally surprised when this happens.

You run giveaways on your blog. Your last prize was a chance to babysit one of your kids. 500,000 people took part. Mother Teresa won.

Your children don’t play with store-bought toys of any sort, ever. Instead they craft toys out of leaves, clay, twigs and Mother Teresa’s stray hairs. (She decided to move in with you to become your nanny.)

You post photos of your home on Instagram. Martha Stewart takes notes.

(Why is every piece of furniture you own white? How do you keep it all so clean?)

HGTV came and took pictures of your house because they were looking for inspiration on their “Dream Home Giveaway.”

You have a Pinterest account and you only pin your own blog posts.

You have a cat named Princeton, he uses the toilet instead of the litter box. You taught him this in under 30 minutes.

(Whew…that’s all really nice, but let me just get honest with you.)

Your home made mattress, the one you crafted out of goose feathers you collected by hand in a field where the geese wandered freely is beautiful, but doesn’t help me much if that’s the only thing you share.

I would like to know a little more about you, your struggles, your honesty, your screw-ups, and your “I can’t believe I did it” successes.

Show me your vulnerability. Tell me your most wicked stories. Share your most humbling learning experience. Tell me where it hurts and why.

Let me know you’re not that much different from me.

Because I really do have enough Barbies in my life, and your perfection only makes me distrust you.

Go ahead include me in your world…

just please don’t try so hard to impress me with your world.

Thanks,

joy.

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25 Responses to “Dear Mommy Blogger: Your Perfection Makes Me Distrust You”

  1. lms March 5, 2013 at 5:03 pm #

    Young love on the kitchen table paragraph? thanks, that’s spilled coffee EVERYWHERE!

    • Joy March 5, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

      Ooops!

  2. Kelly Rae March 5, 2013 at 6:39 pm #

    This is a wonderful post and very very truthful.

    • Joy March 5, 2013 at 9:16 pm #

      I’m glad you liked it! Thanks for commenting!

  3. Tanya March 5, 2013 at 9:04 pm #

    haha …. yes we all need a bit more hard truths and less fluff in our daily lives! I blog for years but couldn’t keep up with all the super mommy bloggers …..

    • Joy March 5, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

      The temptation to wear a (metaphorical) cape when blogging is almost as strong as the temptation to wear one when doula-ing. :) So glad I never do that! ;)

  4. Kristin Maier March 5, 2013 at 11:30 pm #

    Wonderful! I agree with you completely, I love reading honest posts rather than picture perfect ones, that’s why I like your blog :)

    • Joy March 6, 2013 at 9:54 am #

      Thanks, lady!

  5. Darcel March 6, 2013 at 12:02 am #

    Lipstick out of beets with self made hammered out molds? OMG, that was hilarious! I’m with you….I like to connect with real mom bloggers. Life is messy,fun,challenging, and all very real. It’s time to burst the perfect mommy bubble.

    • Joy March 6, 2013 at 9:54 am #

      Hear, hear!

    • Jess March 6, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

      If it isn’t messy, you aren’t doing it right!!

  6. abigail r March 6, 2013 at 3:54 am #

    Hilarious!!! I really love the honesty- and the laugh-out-loud humor!

    • Joy March 6, 2013 at 9:55 am #

      Thanks, Abby!

  7. Marissa March 6, 2013 at 9:51 am #

    OMGoodness, Joy! This made me laugh so hard that I spit out my raw milk organic chai tea latte all over my home-birthed baby, who I was wearing in my wrap that I picked up on my fourth mission trip to Africa…or was it my fifth? I’ve lost count.

    • Joy March 6, 2013 at 9:53 am #

      Bahahahahah! I just guffawed!

  8. thesinglecrunch March 6, 2013 at 11:01 am #

    Joy I think this feeling I have is…love. I love your writing. Smiled the entire time. :)

    Kimberley

  9. Nikki March 6, 2013 at 11:50 am #

    Hilarious – I really enjoyed this.

  10. Lennie Holt March 6, 2013 at 11:35 pm #

    My word girl! I. love. your blog!!!! You make me belly laugh every freaking time, thank you so much! Every mama needs to know everything we do, we do our best!

  11. adriennenixon March 13, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

    HILARIOUS!

  12. CoolMama March 23, 2013 at 11:07 pm #

    This was hilarious! Love it!
    Although to be honest, I kinda wanna go live with the super mommy. Unless she makes me get up at 5am. Then forget that!

  13. Marit March 25, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    This is the first time I’ve ever replied to a post. Ever. But I believe I came across this for a reason and it was too powerful for me not to respond. I’m still trying to figure out all the areas you hit for me and the extent I have been touched. Your honesty and directness is inspiring. Thank you.

  14. Anna March 26, 2013 at 9:26 am #

    <3

    me and SUPERMOMMY! (who lives in my psyche, and yours as well, apparently) have battles. Epic, knockdown-drag-out, rip hair, use fingernails, break sh*t, fight dirty battles. Most of the time I win. But sometimes, she succeeds in making me feel bad about my choices. She is the archetype of "the best mommy ever," and it's so hard to compare myself to her…

  15. nicholesmith May 17, 2016 at 3:00 pm #

    Don’t ask me what I was searching for but this needs a reprise. Amen to it all (from someone who probably fits that blasted mommy blog mold more than she really wants to).

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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