My Fears Got Mean Fingers

I’m feeling it.  That oh my God desperation.  What will I do and how will I manage it?  This pregnancy has brought out some old memories from the back of my mind – they’ve stirred up my fears and given them fingers and these mean fingers have pulled open a closet door that leads to a box full of lonely emotions that I packed away about 12 months ago. While Peter and I intended on trying for a second baby this year, we also thought it would take us a lot longer to get pregnant.  I definitely didn’t think it would happen on the first try.  But what do I know? Sometimes you just get lucky.  I should have known, I got pregnant way too easily with Zoe, but I thought it was a fluke, especially since we weren’t officially trying.  Long story, but you can read bits of it here,  here and here.

I’ve got that sinking feeling that I’m going to have to do this all alone again.  My confession is this: those of you with family and long time friends near by, those of you whose children have stayed the night with their grandparents and those of you who drop your kids off down the road just so you can get an evening out, you, yes you.  I’m painfully jealous.  I pretty much wish you would go away.  Or I wish I had it as easy as you.  What a luxury, a built-in community that helps you raise your family, but more than a community – it’s your family.  What’s that like?

I know I’m playing my sad song.  But, occasionally I don’t feel like writing another birth story or doula adventure, once in a while I need to spill.

Peter graduates in December.  Can you believe it?  He’s flown through school – taking 21 hours this semester and testing out of three classes (he’s smart, super book smart).  What this means is that we are facing another move for grad school, just in time for baby number two to arrive.  Of course this makes me think about the all to familiar reality of what it’s like to start over again in a new place with a newborn and what will be my two-year-old.  Sigh.

Possibility one is that after Peter graduates in December, he stays at UNT through the next semester taking the maximum 12 credits – your limit (at most schools) on what you can transfer to your grad program.  In May (a few weeks after the baby is born) we make the move to our new (at this time, not yet finalized) location for grad school.

Possibility two is that Peter stays at UNT for grad school.  He does a double MFA in Art History and New Media and completes it in three years.  So why don’t we do this?  Simple.  If you are planning on pursing a career as a college professor the diversity of your education speaks well on your resume.  If you have attended the same school for your undergrad and grad program it looks questionable and can possibly hurt ones academic career.  That being said, Peter has had some strong counsel saying this wouldn’t be the case and other advice saying, yes it is an issue – which really means there’s no easy answer.

That’s what we’re looking at. Another big move, possibly.  As I bravely stare this in the face, again, I’m not sure how I’m going to do it, but one thing is for sure, I plan on going into it with the right tools in my toolbox.  I intend to  fight postpartum depression before it hits (this time around), I  will implement a routine (not schedule) pretty quickly into our new baby’s life.  I also know how to prevent and deal with colic.  Beyond that, I know I’m strong and able and most importantly EXPERIENCED – the relief that I won’t be a first time mom ever again is tangible.