The Joy of This

My boy, five months old.

In the last three years, I’ve become more and more crunchy as I’ve progressed in this journey of motherhood. Starting with my unmedicated birth(s), and bed sharing and co-sleeping, and exclusive breastfeeding and nursing on demand, and baby wearing, and baby led weaning and now I’m about to undertake cloth diapering since Zoe is potty trained.

But this week I started sleep training Noah. And that is the antithesis of crunchy. Before you stone me, hear me out.

When Noah was 14 days old, a switch was flipped.  He abruptly changed from the most docile, sweet, tender baby to … I don’t know how to describe it.  He began to cry incessantly and he was miserable all day long. He was comforted by NOTHING.  Not me, not breastfeeding (that seemed to infuriate him even more), not being held, or bounced, or being worn in the sling, or riding in the car.  NOTHING.  He wouldn’t take a paci, he wouldn’t take a bottle with my breast milk. He cried in the swing, he cried in the bath, he cried in my arms, he cried in my mother’s arms, in my husband’s arms.  HE CRIED ALL DAY LONG.   Continue reading →

Things have been difficult lately.  Noah cries all day long, for the most part.  I am feeling like a captive in my own home.  I love him, no question.  (And I’m not looking for advice on colicky babies – gentle thanks.) But I am looking forward to being out of the newborn stage. It’s okay for me to admit that I don’t really enjoy the infant stage very much.  I love being a mom, but this puts the heart in a humble place.

With that in mind, I stumbled upon a comment I posted on this blog:  http://greatsmitten.com/2010/05/24/the-danger-of-hopelessness/

“Sam Phillips has this great song where she sings, “Help is coming, one day late.” I know that sense of feeling like God is a day late and a dollar short. Somehow even in those moments I stumble about with my heart bleeding saying to God that, “I believe, but forgive my unbelief.” Over the Rhine has a song too, where they sing, “I’m not letting go, I’m just losing my grip.” I remind myself that I’m not responsible for being my own superhero when it comes to managing my faith, because I believe that God’s okay with my honest heart and my broken faith. There is tremendous value in sifting through the questions that moments of despair lead us to. God already knows what’s in our heart and it takes sifting for us to realize our own humanity.”

Three weeks ago, today, I gave birth to my son.  He’s asleep now in my room.  After a night of non-stop nursing and crying, we’re all exhausted.  I took a shower this morning and had Peter bring me Noah.  He immediately calmed down and fell fast asleep in my arms. Skin to skin, cradled against my chest, warm water washing over his tiny body.  A quiet moment of relief for all of us.  I wondered if it reminded him of the womb.  It’s the still moments like these that bring relief to the blistery raw moments of the day where his crying is unquenchable. Continue reading →