Archive | Deeper Musings RSS feed for this section

Still, I Believe That.

4 Dec

Say the right thing, just say it.  Say the words, the words filled with concern and care and goodness and all of the warmth of a believing heart.

I try.  I try so hard to remember what it was that the me of a few years ago would have said.  I knew then what I don’t know now … a lyric from some song I’m sure.

But now that I lived a little more.. fully…really…authentically…with my bruised yet living faith, I say what is honest, or what is…

Candid.  Let’s use that word.  Carries less responsibility with it.

So I prayed, “God, please separate the truth from the hurt.”

And may we live our faith honestly, with large growing steps towards the beauty of holiness.

I do believe that there’s beauty hidden somewhere in the valley of holiness.  Still, I believe that.

Damn the rest.

China in a Red Volkswagen

22 Oct

In my dream, we were driving to China in a red Volkswagen bus (we had a yellow one growing up) to see my grandmother who has apparently been busy working there since she died.  We were quite excited.  Mom tells me to be prepared that she’ll look different; much younger with very dark hair.

We meet Gra-ma on the side of the road in china – because she’s so busy in China that all she has time for is a quick side of the road visit.  She looks healthy, very healthy, but not really much younger.  She’s wearing her red suit; the nice wool one with the pleats and gold buttons.  She has on her ‘special sneakers’ the beige ones that are good for her feet.  Her hair is blonde.

I ask her, “Why blonde, Gra-ma?”

She says, “I thought I would try something different.”

I ask my Gra-ma, “Are you happy?”

Gran-ma says, “Yes.”

Apparently that was all I needed to know.  My dream ended there.

God I miss her.  Even if she is busy in China working.  I’m glad she had time to say hello.

Helen N. McDonough Hilley

23 Sep

I will miss her.  My Grandmother.  She was a pillar in our family and funny as hell to boot.  I’m glad Peter got to know her.   I’m grieving, it’s slow and quiet, but still it’s there.  I still feel awkward in groups and socially clumsy right now.  I guess this will pass.

Helen N. Hilley.  N is for Nadine.  A name she  gave herself because she got tired of not having a middle name.  I loved that irish lady.

Relentless

10 May

I keep thinking about him. There was something shocking about him anyway.  Besides for what he was doing I mean  He looked like a caricature drawing of God, but without the lighting bolts buzzing out of his hands towards earth.

He stood there, in the middle of the street shouting out.  Not looking at anyone.  But I looked at him.  I stared like he was a car wreck of a human life.  I almost mocked him. Almost.

It was Isaiah, the book of Isaiah; yelling it out as if he himself had written this ancient text the day before.    There was no emotion in his face, but his voice.  Oh my God, his voice, like a deep booming drum, beating out of his throat.  Such holy words framed with such a fearful voice.

I hear he’s relentless.  I’m told he’s memorized most all the books of the prophets.  Ezekiel, Jeremiah, Joel, Malachi and on any certain day he is out in the streets of Jerusalem reciting Hebrew Scriptures like his own dramatic monologue.  He must be scoffed, and perhaps he’s crazy, yet he is relentless.

What would drive a man to do such strange things?  Surely he’s not actually helping God reach out to human lives?  God couldn’t possibly….

Relentless.  Am I relentless about anything?  Music?  No.  Love?  Sometimes.  God?  I dont know.

I know, I know, I don’t need to trumpet out entire passages of confusing scripture in order to prove my relational prowess with God.  And nor will I.  I am however challenged to look at my own sloppy heart and search it.  God, what in me requires more relentlessness?  More specifically, your relentlessness?

You who make mention of the Lord, do not be silent and give Him no rest.  – Isaiah

Tags:

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started