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My Heart Knows You

17 Feb

Holding my daughter, Zoe, just moments after her birth. 3-7-09

This past week, I’ve been reflecting on how close this moment is for me. I’ve been more purposeful in taking  time to connect to my son and the idea of becoming a mother again. The truth is, I’ve struggled with feelings of disconnection towards this pregnancy.   Maybe it’s because of the timing – getting pregnant so quickly after feeling like I just found my new purpose.  Or is it because of the feelings of guilt I have – changing Zoe’s world so soon into her young life.  Did I give her enough space with just the three of us? Maybe it’s because we still haven’t settled on his name. Or, perhaps it is because I spend so much time (gladly) helping doula clients, parents in childbirth classes and laboring moms at the birth center, that I tend to get caught up in their journey – so much so that I often forget that I’m on the verge of this transforming introduction too. Continue reading →

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Making Room For Love

29 Jul

Zoe and me, October of 2009

Motherhood is the greatest gift I’ve been given.  I can literally feel my heart ache with gratefulness and love for my daughter.  The privilege of being a mom is one of the most profound blessings I’ve known.  Everyday, I breathe in the sweet smell of my daughter’s baby soft skin and I drink in that she’s mine.  I am so grateful. Countless times throughout the day I whisper thanks for being given this gift of a daughter. Continue reading →

My Cup Runneth Over

7 Apr

Tonight, I am grateful.  I feel as though I’ve turned a large corner and I’m seeing the horizon with a fresh set of eyes.  The last year of my life has been entirely about my brand new gift of a daughter – my very body has supplied her needs, from breast-feeding to comforting arms to changing and holding and bathing.  She has required me to live selflessly.  And, despite myself, I’ve gladly given every fiber of my love to her.

Along with new motherhood, my husband has also needed my complete support as he endeavors to finish his undergrad. The countless hours of class and study has kept him from home, from me, and when he’s not in class, he’s working.  It takes a lot of team work and dedication to have a brand new baby and a husband in school full-time.  Have I been left out to dry?  Hardly.  Real honest to goodness love hands you the grace to give.  I know that by giving to my daughter and to my husband I am ultimately giving to all of us … to our little family unit.  Of course, there are moments where it’s been hard physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Ask any mother about the perils of lack of sleep and the loneliness of days at home and the stories will be deep and wide.  But is it without reward?  No.  The reward is the smile of your child as she look into your face. The reward is the happiness your husband experiences through his scholastic exploration.  These tiny things add up.  And they have been enough to hold me. Continue reading →

A Letter To My Girl

10 Mar

My sweet girl, Zoe.

Sweet Zoe –

On Sunday, you turned a year old.  I can hardly handle this.  Last Friday night, after you and Daddy went to bed, I opened up my laptop and looked at all your pictures from the past year, and then… I cried.  I mean just plain ol’ cried.  Like a baby.  Then I cried some more.

Earlier that night, at dinner, when your Dad asked me why this (your first B-day) was so hard for me all I could say was, “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know,  well, maybe it’s because, ah, I just don’t know.  I don’t know, okay!”

That night, I looked through your birth photos and all your photos from this last year; I was amazed by how much has happened in the last 12 months.  As I reflected on it all, my heart just ached inside me. I couldn’t make sense of it- why is this difficult?  My best guess is that it’s because your birth was the most amazing experience of my life and now I’m further away from that moment. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, compares to bliss I experienced the first time I held you in my arms.  After ten hours of un-medicated labor,  there you were, my first-place-prize.   Now that you are a year old, this means that amazing, life altering day when God gave you to me is further in the past.   For some emotional reason, this is a little hard for me.

The passing of time seems so much faster with you in my life.  I recognize how quickly it goes, because there you are — my child, my ticking clock.  You are here reminding me to savor the moment, because tomorrow you’ll be different, and a few weeks from now you’ll be taller, you’ll have more words, and will be more steady on your toes, and will grow out of those blue shoes that I just love on you.  So here’s a little letter to tell you all about you this first year. Continue reading →

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